Mourning Thy Self

May Mutter

The last week or so has been an interesting ride. Although this is similar to a previous post about denial and accepting who we are, I feel it deserves its own post.

I recently purchased a hammock. Best investment ever! The time spent in it (which is majority of the day) is extremely relaxing and feels fantastic for the head. But the relaxing comes at a price. My husband and I were hanging out one night and for an hour no one talked; it was just a relaxing lay around. At the hour point, all of a sudden, he had a break down. Completely out of nowhere and very very very unlike him - he's a bit of a mucho man, you might say. In fact, he probably won't be too happy I shared this, but I think it's important.

Turns out he spent this hour looking at me (while my eyes were closed) and a million thoughts had been running through his head. He was comparing this night to our old lives and how we'd usually be doing something - out and about. It all of a sudden hit him. He started babbling on about how he misses me and how things are different. He "wouldn't change me for the world, but it's so damn hard". This, of course, brought tears to my eyes and I also broke down. He's been holding this in for 2.5 years and not once shown any weakness; he stayed strong FOR me.

The one statement that really stayed with me was "all my life, I have been able to fix things, but I just can't fix you and it kills me". I don't think it gets more heartbreaking than that.

That night we mourned our old lives. We are still getting through this week, and getting results from my neuro assessment didn't help. But that night and the look on his face is going to stay with me a while.

I hate how he feels, I hate how guilty I feel for something I know is not my fault. I hate making a grown man cry, but it was a release. It was the first time we really really let it out. A 100% break down. More genuine than any discussions we may have had up until now. It was something.

I love him, and I thank him for standing by me. And this is just another reminder that you are not alone. Not in your physical pain, nor in your emotional journey. 


  • Thanks for sharing that post about husband and how hard it has been on both of you. It’s inspiring the love you have for each other and ability you have to get through this together I hope will provide tools to many others in relationships whether or not they have had a concussion or not


  • Sorry to hear about your dealings with post-concussion syndrome. You are very fortunate to have a partner by your side (I went through this hellish experience on my own and wouldn’t wish it on anyone). I recently experienced post-concussion syndrome after bumping into a pole on my way to work back in early March. I was told to spend the weekend avoiding screens and reading and resumed work. After a few weeks I experienced horrible symptoms and went to see the MD who sent me on sick leave and told me to stay in a dark room. This was my second accident (fell off a horse several years ago) and I think the reason why my symptoms were so bad. When I started experiencing daily migraines, nausea and constant fatigue I was desperate for information and had to beg to get in to see the Neurologist at the Brain Injury Clinic at St. Mike’s. The meds help the migraines but the dr went on holidays for the entire summer and I was left to fend for myself. I would go to see my family physician but she would just say you are doing too much and tell me to rest and order my groceries online. Not much help. Luckily after two months things slowly resumed and I was able to go back to work however I still suffer from headaches. In my experience, family physicians have little to zero knowledge of post concussion syndrome. I tried an osteopath with little results but a visit to the physiotherapist offered some adequate knowledge however this was months after my accident. The best advice I found was through US doctors who had posted info via You Tube videos! That really does not say much for our medical system. I would really love to do a PR campaign with Sidney Crosby and others who have suffered from concussions and know what they entail to raise awareness to the public. Hayley Wickenheiser wrote a great article following the death of hockey player Steve Montador but I still feel as though the average person has no idea what concussion means and there is little information from the medical community. I gained alot of weight during my bed rest and wished I had followed a better diet ie naturopathic . It wasn’t until I got slightly better that I was able to find a better diet for my brain. The neurologist said ‘no sugar, no caffeine and no alcohol’ but that wasn’t exactly detailed information for building a better brain. I commend you for the work you are doing on your website and if I can offer any help to help you promote your project feel free to contact me.


  • It’s been almost 4 years since my MTBI. Your ongoing openness about your journey continues to be important to me and my life. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

    Although everyone’s journey is unique, I knew I had to read your post to my husband. I didn’t make it very far before the tears started and my voice quivered. I had to hand him my phone. He quietly read it, as I watched his facial expressions change. My husband, my rock, said he could relate so completely. Much of the focus over the four years has been on me learning to accept the new me. My husband, two sons, dear family and friends have been there with me… in the hammock, at many different times. I thank and love them all.

    Giving oneself permission to feel everything is not easy… it’s essential for everyone.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself for fighting the acceptance of your new self. The fight is a piece of who you are and acceptance of that is a part of it all. Being aware of yourself and letting loved ones, professionals and people you meet help you be more aware of what acceptance truly looks like for you, will change each and every day.

    I can’t tell you the day when I finally stopped referring to myself as the old me or the new me. I do know that I am ME today. I still don’t have everything figured out… and accepting THAT gives me hope that I’ll continue to learn, grow and share with others.

    Thank you for being YOU, just as you are… today, tomorrow and beyond.

    Jenn Collins

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