The last week or so has been an interesting ride. Although this is similar to a previous post about denial and accepting who we are, I feel it deserves its own post.
I recently purchased a hammock. Best investment ever! The time spent in it (which is majority of the day) is extremely relaxing and feels fantastic for the head. But the relaxing comes at a price. My husband and I were hanging out one night and for an hour no one talked; it was just a relaxing lay around. At the hour point, all of a sudden, he had a break down. Completely out of nowhere and very very very unlike him - he's a bit of a mucho man, you might say. In fact, he probably won't be too happy I shared this, but I think it's important.
Turns out he spent this hour looking at me (while my eyes were closed) and a million thoughts had been running through his head. He was comparing this night to our old lives and how we'd usually be doing something - out and about. It all of a sudden hit him. He started babbling on about how he misses me and how things are different. He "wouldn't change me for the world, but it's so damn hard". This, of course, brought tears to my eyes and I also broke down. He's been holding this in for 2.5 years and not once shown any weakness; he stayed strong FOR me.The one statement that really stayed with me was "all my life, I have been able to fix things, but I just can't fix you and it kills me". I don't think it gets more heartbreaking than that.
That night we mourned our old lives. We are still getting through this week, and getting results from my neuro assessment didn't help. But that night and the look on his face is going to stay with me a while.
I hate how he feels, I hate how guilty I feel for something I know is not my fault. I hate making a grown man cry, but it was a release. It was the first time we really really let it out. A 100% break down. More genuine than any discussions we may have had up until now. It was something.
I love him, and I thank him for standing by me. And this is just another reminder that you are not alone. Not in your physical pain, nor in your emotional journey.